Victim’s Manual
Lessions:
How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Bonus Lesson
HAVE MORE FRIENDS
How can I be telling you that you can have more friends? And do you really want to have more friends? It could be that you are so tired of the way kids treat you that you've decided that you don't even care for friends -- they're not worth the effort.
Whether or not you think you want more friends, the truth is that deep down all of us would like to have lots of friends. Human beings are social animals. Our ancestors, going back millions and millions of years, have always survived because we have had others to cooperate with. No human being can survive for long without the help of others, and no human being can be happy for long without having friends. Our lives seem meaningless when we are lonely, and as much as we might love our televisions and computers, only real live people can truly bring us happiness. So you do want friends, whether you admit it or not.
But if you are a teasing victim, you don't have a whole load of friends. That's because other kids see you as a loser and don't want to be seen having anything to do with you. The friends you do have probably aren't too popular either, and may be teasing victims just like you. Some of your friends may also be a lot younger than you, because younger kids don't look down at you the way kids your age do. They don't realize that among your own age group, you are considered a loser. They are glad to have a big friend, and they are able to appreciate you just the way you are. You make them feel good, and they make you feel good.
I have great news for you. When you follow the advice I give you in this website, you are going to automatically have more friends. Maybe not a whole lot more, but you will definitely have more than you have now. Teasing victims are at the bottom of the social totem pole, but as soon as you stop being a teasing victim, you immediately start moving up. That's because kids who are now too embarrassed to talk to you will not have to be embarrassed any longer. They'll stop avoiding you. Then they'll start seeing you as the person you are, not as the kid who everybody laughs at. The change won't happen overnight, but it will probably start in a few days and slowly increase. Don't worry, you won't have to work hard. In fact, you won't really have to do a thing.
If you haven't read the instructions on how to stop being teased and bullied without really trying, you should do it now. You will see that the instructions are incredibly easy. In fact, there is nothing easier in the world. So hurry up. Read them and follow them, and you will see how quickly your social life improves and you start being happier.
The Next Steps to Having More Friends
By this time, you should have read the instructions on how to stop being a teasing victim. If you have recently begun following them, you probably have noticed that things are getting better already. Maybe no one even teases you any more. But what if you still don't have a lot of friends, and would like more? What if you want to be part of a group, but you are shy or scared to try to join? What should you do that doesn't require much effort? Read this section carefully! It is just what you need!
You are shy because you have been rejected for so long. You may have come to believe that other kids couldn't possibly want to be your friends. But if you stay away from them, then you'll never have many friends. You need to be near kids in order to become friends with them. Fortunately, it is easier to make friends than you may think.
Step Number One: Do Not Try to Convince Kids to Be Your Friends
A big mistake many kids make is to try to convince others to be their friends. This is a terrible idea, and just wastes your energy.
A true friend is not a boss. A real friend should see you more or less as his equal. You want friends who do as much for you as you do for them. But if you are going to try to make kids be your friends, that means that you will be ready to work hard to make them like you. It won't work! Instead, they will feel like they are your boss, and can get you to do things for them so that they will let you be with them. You will become a servant, and servants don't get respect. It's the boss who gets the respect. And they will also be willing to dump you as a friend in the blink of an eye.
Therefore, if you've been thinking, "Oh, no! I don't have enough friends! What can I do to make kids like me?", you must throw this thinking into the garbage can. This kind of thinking will give people power over you. They will look down on you, and they will never be your equals in friendship. Immediately replace this attitude with, "If no one wants to be my friend, that's perfectly OK." Does it scare you to think like this? Are you afraid you'll end up with no friends at all? Don't worry. This attitude won't make you have less friends. Just the opposite. It will bring you more friends, and they will be better friends.
How does this work? When you have the attitude that it's OK if no one wants to be your friend, it will also mean that no one can be your boss. No one can have power over you, and they can't look down at you. You will truly be independent, your own person. People will automatically see you as more confident and attractive. They will respect you more, and will try harder to make you like them. And the wonderful thing about it is that it requires no effort. Just relax. Be more carefree and comfortable about life, and the friends will come to you. As long as they feel that it really, honestly, will not make you depressed if they stop being your friend, they will not be quick to dump you. Have fun with friends, let them have fun with you, and your social life will be smooth and satisfying.
Step Number Two: Learn from the Baboons how to be Accepted by a Group
Nobody has a zillion friends. People form groups of friends, sometimes called cliques, and our ancestors have been doing this since the beginning of time. Long before there were towns and cities, human beings and their predecessors were living in small groups called tribes, and these groups usually had between fifty and one hundred members. And this is also true for the apes and a lot of other social animals, especially mammals. So if you live in a tribe, your group of friends are going to be the other kids in this tribe (who are really your siblings and cousins). Therefore, you may have a group of maybe six, or eight, or ten good friends that are around your age. This is the natural condition, and it makes us feel good.
Life for human beings began changing tremendously a few thousand years ago, when we started forming towns and cities with hundreds, thousands, and even millions of members. Suddenly there are a lot more kids around. It's impossible for them to all be our friends, so we form small groups of friends, just like when we lived in tribes in nature. When we lived in a tribe, though, it was simple to be part of a group of friends because they were always around you.
In modern life, though, it becomes more difficult to be part of a group of friends. If you go to a big school in a large town or in a city, you have to find a group to belong to among all the kids around you, and you must become accepted. It can be scary, because you are afraid they won't want you. But I'd like to make it easier for you.
First of all, you have to decide which group you really want to belong to. If you're into science and computers, you may not feel comfortable with a group that is always looking to party and to shop in the mall. So look at the group that has interests similar to yours. They don't have to be exactly like you. In fact, it can be boring to have friends who are just like us. Variety makes life interesting, and there is no reason that you can't be part of a group of kids in which you are unique or special. In fact, for a group to be truly successful and fun, the members have to have individual differences. So don't be put off by a group whose members aren't your mirror images. The most important thing is to find a group of people that you think you like.
There's something else that's important to understand. It's not only you who needs friends. Other kids need friends, too. You are just as important to them as they are to you. Do not try to fit an imageof what you think they want you to be. You don't have to act exactly like them to be accepted. Simply being you is the best and easiest way to be friend material.
Now, let me teach you about baboons. Baboons are apes that live in the plains of Africa, and in many ways, they are like human beings. Like our ancestors, they live in tribes. But they are also extremely strong and dangerous. A human being would stand no chance in a fight with a baboon, and if they fight with each other, they can be deadly.
Male baboons don't live forever in the same tribe. When a male baboons grows up, he leaves the safety of his own tribe and looks for another tribe to join, and he'll probably live there for the rest of his life. But the young male baboon can't just walk into the middle of a strange tribe and say, "Hey, I'm here to join. Where do I sign up?" He is a stranger to them, and they don't need him. They've been getting along fine before he came along. They would see him as a dangerous enemy if he suddenly intruded into their tightly knit tribal group, and they would tear him to pieces. In order to accept him, they must first trust him and then get to like him.
So you know what the baboon does? It's really quite amazing. He sits himself down far away from the tribe, but in a place where they can easily see him. Since he is far away and not acting in a threatening manner, they are not very scared of him. And then he just sits and waits. He waits days, weeks, and sometimes even months. His patience is really amazing. Can you imagine sitting for months near a group of people and having no real contact with them?! But that's exactly what the baboon does. Little by little, he sits closer. They start getting used to him being there, and they lose fear of him. Then the children, who are by nature curious and adventurous, start going near him. They play with him, and he plays with them. Then some of the young women get curious, too, because they are as interested in meeting new guys as he is interested in meeting new girls. And eventually, he is inside the group. They have gotten used to him, they have gotten to like him, and he belongs.
You, too, can learn from the baboons. It will work the same way. Find the group you like, but don't work hard. Do not try to force your way in, because they may push you out. Just hang out near them, and relax. If one of them notices you and starts up a conversation, then that's wonderful, and you'll probably be inside quicker. But if they don't, don't despair. Look around and find a group member who interests you and looks friendly, and start talking to him. What if you can't think of anything? The easiest way to start a conversation is to pay him a compliment. Make it genuine. Think of something you believe the person would really enjoy being complimented about. He will probably be so grateful to you for noticing that he will tell you all about it, and before you realize it, you'll have a new friend. That friend will be your key into the group.
The important thing is to have patience. Remember the baboon sitting quietly in the distance, and try to be like him. The kids will end up accepting your presence and will even forget that you were once not part of them. And the good thing is that people are quicker to accept others than baboons are. It won't take months to belong. Members of the group will gradually start talking to you, and things will move quicker and quicker. It will probably be a matter of days, or a couple of weeks at the most, till you are considered to be part of the group. Just remember to be calm and to be yourself. Tell yourself, "I don't care if they don't accept me," and they will end up accepting you more quickly. You'll know how successful you are by how much fun you're having. If you are enjoying being with them, you can be sure they are enjoying being with you in return.
Lessions:
