Victim’s Manual
Lessions:
“I’ve told them a million times I can’t stand being teased! So why do they keep on doing it to me?”
How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Lesson One
KNOW WHY YOU ARE TEASED
You probably don't really know why you are teased! You may think you know, but you don't really know. If you knew the real reason you are teased, you wouldn't be a teasing victim! The simple truth is that there is really only one reason that teasing victims are picked on over and over again, and it's always the same reason. And the most important step to making the teasing stop is to understand why you are being teased. When you truly understand the reason, it becomes a snap to follow the next steps.
Why are kids teased?
Sam wears glasses and gets called four-eyes all day long.
He believes he is being called four-eyes because he wears glasses.
But Sam is wrong.
Maybe he wears glasses, but that's not the reason he gets teased.
Mary gets taunted by kids who yell, "Your mother's a fat pig!"
She thinks they insult her because her mother's overweight.
But Mary is wrong.
Sure, her mother may be overweight, but that's not the reason kids taunt her.
Billy gets pushed every day when he's in line in school. He doesn't know why the kids do it to him.
The only explanation he can think of is that they hate him.
But Billy is wrong.
Maybe some kids hate him, but that's not why they push him.
Josh gets called gay by his classmates. He likes girls and he doesn't know why they do this to him.
Josh believes they do it because he likes art and stays away from sports.
But Josh is wrong.
He may be artistic and un-athletic, but that's not why they tease him.
Jennifer's friends bring her rumors of other kids calling her stupid behind her back. Jennifer does great in school and gets 90's and 100's on all her tests.
Jennifer believes the rumors are spread because other kids are really jealous of her.
But Jennifer is wrong.
The other kids might be jealous of her intelligence, but that's not why they are spreading rumors about her.
There is really only one reason that these kids are being picked on, but none of them can see it. It's also the reason you are being picked on, and you can't see it, either. It has nothing with your looks or personality, or your mother's looks or personality, even though it seems that way to you. You see, there are plenty of fat kids in the world who don't get teased. There are plenty of ugly kids who don't get teased. There are plenty of smart kids who who don't get teased. There are plenty of dumb kids who don't get teased. There are plenty of un-athletic kids who don't get teased. There are plenty of kids just like you and they don't get teased.
So why you and not them?
Because you are making a simple mistake that every single teasing victim makes, and that mistake is ruining your life!
What mistake are you making? Let's see what happens in your everyday life. Bullies come along and make fun of you. You get mad or upset, and then you take some action to try to make them stop. Maybe you tell them to shut up. Maybe you try to call them names back and make fun of them. Maybe you punch them in the face (and get into lots of trouble). Maybe you threaten that you'll get your big brother to beat them up after school. Maybe you tell the teacher or school principal on them. Maybe you tell your parents. Maybe you try to ignore them, until it gets too bad and then you are forced to do something.
What you see happening is that the kids are making fun of you, and you are trying to make them stop. You see this happening over and over again every day, day after day: they keep making fun of you, and you keep trying to make them stop. And nothing works. No matter how hard you try, the teasing continues.
So why do the kids keep bothering you? They know very well that you don't like it, and that the teachers and parents don't like it, so why do they keep on doing it?!! Why don't they just leave you alone and let everyone be happy?
Get ready for this! The real reason you are being teased is because you are getting upset!
This probably doesn't make any sense to you. After all, first the kids tease you, and then you get upset. You aren't making them tease you, you are only making them stop.
But you are making them tease you. You just can't see it, because it's an optical illusion, and all teasing victims are fooled by the same optical illusion.
It is very easy to be fooled by this illusion. We're used to thinking that the first thing makes the second thing happen. For instance, imagine that I punch you in the face and then you get a black eye. Then I tell you that your black eye made me punch you. You would say that I'm crazy. And you would be right! First I punched you, and then you got the black eye. I made you have a black eye; your black eye did not make me punch you.
But here I am telling you that getting upset by the teasing made you get teased! Isn't that also crazy? The teasing happened first; you got upset second. You didn't cause the teasing. You are only trying to stop it!
But it's not crazy. Keep reading and you'll see how it works.
When kids call you names and you get mad, how do they feel? Do they feel bad for what they did? They sure don't! If they felt bad about teasing you, they wouldn't do it! When they tease you and you get mad, they love it! They feel great! They can't get enough of it! You are the one who feels lousy, not them. And the angrier youbecome, the more fun they have. Whatever you try to do to stop them only makes them feel better. They're thinking inside, "Ha, ha, go ahead and try to stop me. You can't do it no matter how hard you try!" Even if you try to hide your feelings, chances are they can tell by the look on your face that you are upset, and this makes them feel good.
You see, they are not calling you fatso because you are fat, or four-eyes because you wear glasses. They really couldn't care less about how you look! They are not reporters who are being paid to constantly bring you the news that you are ugly or stupid or have a mom who's fat. All they really care about is having fun. We all like to have fun, and one great way to have fun is to try to drive someone else crazy.
Your tormentors have discovered that they can tease you and drive you nuts. They especially look for your weak spots, the things about you that you really feel bad about and don't want anyone noticing or mentioning. These things that you are most sensitive to usually have some truth to them. For instance, it bothers you that you are overweight, and the kids discover you can't stand it when they call you fatso. Or you're upset about having to wear glasses, and they discover that it really hurts you when they call you four-eyes. Or you are tremendously embarrassed that your mother is overweight, and they discover you go totally bonkers when they say your mother is fat.
But it really doesn't matter if the things they say are true or not. All that matters is if it bothers you. If you are beautiful and you get mad when they call you ugly, they will keep calling you ugly. If you are thin and you get upset when they call you fatso, they will keep calling you fatso. Whatever succeeds in upsetting you is exactly what they are going to do again. The only thing that matters to them about you is that you give them pleasure when you get mad. And it goes on and on, day after day after day, year after year, like a train going endlessly around a track. The kids tease you, you get mad, and they have fun. They tease you, you get mad, and they have fun.
The anger that you feel when you are teased is like the bread crumbs that Billy feeds to the pigeons. You are throwing your bullies gifts of anger, and you think your anger is going to make them leave you alone. But your anger is exactly what the bullies are looking for! That's why they keep coming back to you! You make them so happy when you get angry!
Yes, believe it or not, you have been rewarding the bullies for making fun of you! Think of it this way: If your parents are going to pay you to watch television, aren't you going to watch a lot of television? Of course you would! And bullies are just the same. You are giving them so much fun in return for tormenting you. Of course they are going to do it as much as possible!!
Lessions:
