Victim’s Manual
Lessions:
“Thank God I’m perfect so no one can make fun of me.”
How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Lesson Eight
HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
This may sound like a strange instruction. What does this mean, have a sense of humor? You may be thinking, "Of course I have a sense of humor!" And you may also be thinking, "What does this have to do with being a teasing victim?"
In a way, this is the most important lesson of all, and when you truly understand it and use it, your life will improve incredibly.
What does a sense of humor have to do with teasing victims? Everything! The reason kids become teasing victims is that, when it comes to themselves, they have no sense of humor!
Do you like to laugh? Do you like jokes and humor and comedy? Of course you do! You probably watch hours of comedy on television every day. You probably like to hear jokes and tell jokes. You probably like to read funny books.
You may also have heard the expression, Laughter is the Best Medicine. And it's true. Laughter makes sick people get better, and it helps people survive the harshest ordeals in life. Without laughter, life would be way too serious and we would all be miserable.
Now I want you to consider what we laugh about. Do we laugh when people look smart? Do we laugh when they are brave or wise? Do we laugh when they are generous or strong? Do we laugh when good things happen to them?
No! We only laugh when they look like idiots! We only laugh when they look clumsy or miserable! You may not have been aware of this till now, but start paying attention to what people laugh at. Start paying attention to the jokes and comedy routines that make you laugh. Try to think of a joke that doesn't put anyone down. You won't be able to do it. You will quickly realize that when you laugh, someone is being made fun of.
Well, that's what a sense of humor is all about. It is about enjoying people looking like idiots. And it's not a bad thing -- it's a good thing! That's why laughing feels so good and helps us heal.
Do you agree now that it's a great thing to be able to laugh at other people? Then let me ask you this. If it's OK for you to laugh at other people, who are other people going to laugh at? Shouldn't it also be OK for them to laugh at you? Of course it is! The only way to have a world in which we can enjoy laughing at others is if they are also allowed to laugh at us when we look like fools! And all of us look like fools sometimes. No one is perfect!. We all have things that others can laugh about!
Think about it this way. What is a healthy person? Is it someone who takes himself so seriously that he goes crazy whenever someone laughs at him? Or is a healthy person someone who knows he's not perfect, can take a joke about himself, and can make a joke about himself?
Of course, the healthy person is the second one, the one who can laugh about himself. When you were being a teasing victim, you had no sense of humor about yourself. You were not being healthy. You were letting yourself suffer instead of laughing and having a good time. You were acting as though everyone had to make believe you were perfect. And that's why it was so easy for people to upset you. All they had to do was point out your imperfections, and you went nuts. And when you went nuts, that's when you really looked like a fool.
Are you thinking that it's hard to have a sense of humor about yourself, and that you can't develop one? Well, it's really not hard at all. The truth is, it's right inside of you. Laughter and humor are basic human traits. People all over the world laugh and tell jokes, and they've been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years. It's programmed right into our genes. That's why kids start laughing when they are babies. Think about yourself. Did your parents or teachers have to teach you what's funny and when to laugh? No! You knew it all by yourself, because Mother Nature makes us that way.
Little children start calling each other bad names when they are only a couple of years old. And they enjoy it! It isn't hurting their feelings. They insult each other and they love it. And that's the way it should stay forever. The right thing is for people to be able to make fun of each other and of themselves. Pay attention to the comedies on television. You will see that the characters are always making fun of each other, and they don't get mad about it. Life becomes a lot more enjoyable when we laugh at each other. Chances are that if you have a real good friend, you make fun of each other sometimes and you don't get upset about it.
Well, if it's so natural for us to laugh at each other, why do we stop doing it? It's because of our education. Our parents and our teachers let us know that teasing is bad and punish us for doing it. Let's say you are little kid and you're playing around with your little sister, and you call each other bad names. When your parents hear this, they get mad at you. They tell you that you are not allowed to say such words to each other because they hurt people's feelings. So what do you think is going to happen next time you call your sister an idiot? Do you think she's going to laugh about it? Of course not! She is going to run to your parents to tell them that you hurt her feelings, and they are going to yell at you and punish you. This is going to make your sister feel great, and every time you call her a name, she is going to take the opportunity to tell on you again and get you in trouble. Is this going to make you love your sister? You bet it won't! It's going to make you hate her. And you are not going to let yourself be a sucker. You are going to start telling on your sister every time she calls you a name.
And there goes your sense of humor down the drain -- instead of laughing whenever you and your sister call each other names, you let yourselves get upset and try to get each other in trouble.
But it doesn't end at home. Next thing you know, you go into the outside world, and meet with friends or cousins. When they call you names, you continue to believe that your feelings should be hurt. Instead of laughing, you get upset and tell their parents. Since most other adults also believe that kids should not be insulting each other, it is not hard to get them to yell at their kids for making fun of you. But your friends and cousins are going to be doing the same thing, trying to get you in trouble for bothering them.
When you go to school, you find that your teachers give you the same message. Kids who call names get yelled at and punished, so teasing must be a terrible thing!
All these adults actually believe that they are helping kids get along and preventing their feelings from being hurt. But without realizing it, they are teaching kids to be hurt by stupid words, which ruins their friendships and destroys their natural sense of humor. It's not your fault that you ended up a teasing victim. You were just following what you were taught and believing that words should hurt. But it's never too late to change things. You can demand to have your sense of humor back. Refuse to get angry when you are called names. When you realize that your feeling shouldn't be hurt, not only will you stop getting upset by names, you will also discover that its often funny!
I can suggest a simple way for you to practice developing your sense of humor. Get together with a friend, or with a brother or sister, and play this game. In this game, you are to take turns insulting each other, but no one is allowed to get upset no matter what the insult is. Whoever gets mad gets a point. The person with the most points at the end is the loser. Make sure that everyone playing it understands the rules very well so that they don't get upset for nothing. If adults are nearby, make sure to let them know exactly what's going on, and that your feeling aren't really being hurt. You will discover that this game is one of the most fun things you can possibly do. You will be making real, honest-to-goodness humor, and you will all laugh your heads off!
This game will return your natural sense of humor to you. You will no longer be hurt by names, and you will also have learned that deep down, everyone enjoys being made fun of. But you have to be careful with this. You can't just go around making fun of everyone all the time. You have to be sure that you don't really hurt people's feelings, so take care only to make fun of people when you know they can take it as a joke. If you want to make people laugh, the safest way is to make jokes about yourself. Don't worry, it won't make them lose respect for you. They will love you for making them laugh. They will admire you for having the strength to laugh at yourself. And when they see you are able to laugh at yourself, it will be easier for them to laugh at themselves, too. Before you know it, you'll be able to laugh at each other.
Another wonderful thing will happen when you learn to laugh at yourself. You will become free of the need to show that you are perfect. It is very, very hard to always be perfect. It takes a lot of work,and no matter how hard you try, it's impossible to succeed. Whenever you make a mistake, you will feel bad, and others will be happy.
People who go around trying to be perfect are making a big mistake. They think that people will like them better and respect them more if they are perfect. But nothing can be farther from the truth. It is no fun being with someone who has to be perfect. If you are too perfect, people around you will feel that they are not good enough, or else they will think you are a snob. Either way, you will be making them feel bad, and nobody likes someone who makes them feel bad. People will actually like you a lot better when you aren't perfect. They will be able to relax and not feel like they have to be in some kind of contest. Show others that you aren't perfect, that you can make jokes about yourself and take jokes about yourself, and they will respect you and like you! And if you can master the art of making fun of others in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings, then you will really be in Paradise!
Lessions:
