Victim’s Manual
Lessions:
“I’m not afraid of you and your stupid axe.”
How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Lesson Nine
LOSE YOUR FEAR
Do other people make you feel scared? If they are bigger or stronger or meaner than you are, then it's perfectly natural to be afraid. However, what's natural isn't always what's best. If you are afraid of others, they will feel more powerful than you. They will enjoy this feeling and continue doing to you whatever keeps you feeling scared. Your fear will push you down to the bottom of the social ladder. People won't respect you very much, you won't have many friends, you will feel miserable, and you will look like a loser.
If you want to be happy and successful, it's important to stop being afraid of people. Only then can you really be a winner. This might not sound to you like an easy thing to do. But it really is. I'm going to teach you to use your brain to help you stop being afraid. Like all of my other instructions to you, it will require no effort, only a change of attitude.
Do you know why we get scared of people? It's because Mother Nature made us that way, and she knew what she was doing. The problem is that we were designed to survive out in nature, where our ancestors lived since the beginnings of life on the planet. Now we live in civilization, where the rules of living have drastically changed. What helps us in nature can end up hurting us in civilization.
Out in nature, life is very dangerous. There are no rules against violence, and no one goes to jail for hurting or killing anyone else. Animals eat each other for food. They also fight each other to establish dominance within a group. The fights in nature are serious and can result in death. Animals have to be physically strong in order to survive, and the strongest creatures make it to the top. Mother Nature is not stupid, and she loves her creatures. She wants us all to do the best we can to survive. We wouldn't last very long if we got into fights with creatures that are stronger than us. That's why Mother Nature programmed us to be afraid. Fear prevents us from getting into fights in which we might be hurt or killed.
However, we no longer live out in nature. For the past few thousand years, we have been living in civilization. Our civilized way of life is guided by laws, and if we break the laws, there are policemen and courts and jails to force us to behave. Out in nature, if you beat up your opponents, you are the winner. But here in civilization, we are not allowed to beat each other up. We are not allowed to use physical strength to solve conflicts. If I punch you and break your nose, you call the police, they arrest me, and I am a big loser. That's why, if you look around you, you'll see that there really is very little fighting going on. You can see an awful lot of fighting on TV, but that's mostly make believe. In real life, people might feel like pounding their fists against our faces when they are mad at us, but they don't do it because it's against the law. The laws of civilization are like an invisible shield protecting us from people who would like to hurt us.
So here, in civilization, we really have little reason to be afraid of other people. There is little they can do to actually hurt us because they don't want to get into trouble. Though we no longer live like tribes out in nature, people still have the need to be dominant over others and to move up the social ladder. So how do we do this without physical fighting? We do it by playing a game. The game is called Let's Scare People. If I threaten you and you get scared, I feel powerful and I am the winner. In this way, I can defeat you without even lifting a finger to hit you. This is also one of those games that people get trapped into playing without even knowing it. We think that when people threaten us, it's for real and they actually may hurt us. If we don't know they're playing a game with us, it is very hard to win. Our natural reaction of getting scared, which helps us in the lawless conditions of nature, becomes a weapon to be used against us. Even though we aren't in real danger, we get scared and automatically lose the game.
There are two general ways that people can make us scared. One way is to make us believe they are dangerous and can hurt our bodies or our possessions. This way is the most obvious one.
But there is another way of scaring us that is less obvious but much more common. We become scared not of how others will hurt us, but of what others will think about us. We want them to approve of us, and we feel that we can't be happy unless they do. The origin of this fear is also in nature. When we were living in tribes in the jungle, there was no welfare and no homeless shelters. We all had to cooperate to survive. What the group thought of us was important. If the tribe didn't approve of us, they would either beat us up or abandon us, and we wouldn't survive for long.
However, in civilization, there is no such danger. No matter what our friends think of us, we are going to have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, schools to go to, and hospitals to take care of us when we are sick. So our basic survival doesn't depend on what anyone thinks of us. Our bodies, though, don't know this, and react as though we're still in the lawless jungle. In civilization, if we worry about what others think of us, we are giving them power over us for nothing. Think of it this way: If I care about what you think of me, but you don't care what I think of you, who is in a stronger position? You are, of course! I will be trying to act and dress in a way I think will get your approval, while you are doing absolutely nothing for me. In other words, you become my boss! I become the big loser, and losers don't get respect.
Think about the really famous, successful, or powerful people in the world. Do they care what you think about them? Do they dedicate their lives to getting your approval? No! They do whatever they want, and don't give a hoot about what you personally think of them. They will only do what it takes to get you to continue buying their products or services or, if they're politicians, to vote for them. The more unconventional or outrageous their actions are, the more we are impressed by them, the more we try to be like them, and the more willing we are to spend our money on them.
If we really want to be more happy and successful, we have to stop being afraid of other people. We have to stop being scared that they will hurt us or think badly about us. How can we lose these fears? By using our brains to help us win the games people play with us. We have to tell ourselves that we are no longer living in the jungle, and the rules of life have changed. When our body tells us, "Oh, no, they're so big and strong! I'm afraid they are going to hurt me," we have to catch ourselves and realize that this fear makes us automatically lose. But we don't want to lose. We want to win. So we need to tell ourselves something like this: "They are bigger and stronger than me, but they can't hurt me. I'm not strong enough to beat them up by myself, but that's OK because I don't have to. There is an invisible shield protecting me, and if they go through this shield, the law is going to punish them and I am going to win. So they can act as scary as they want, and it doesn't bother me in the least!"
To help yourself with this, I want you to picture in your mind a big bully trying to scare a little kid who couldn't care less. The bully is making all kinds of threatening gestures with his hands and face, and is telling the kid he's going to beat him up. But the little kid just stands there yawning and looking bored. Can you see how stupid the bully looks? Can you see that the bully is the big loser here? Well, that's how people are going to look when they try to scare you and you don't do anything to stop them. And the wonderful thing is that the smaller and weaker you really are, the more ridiculous they are going to look when they try to scare you.
The other thing you have to do is stop being scared about what people think about you. To win the game, tell yourself something like this: "People can think anything they want about me, and it's perfectly OK. I don't mind if they think I'm ugly or stupid or fat or nerdy or gay. This is my life, and I'm going to live it according to my own beliefs and desires." You will discover that the less you care about what other people think of you, the more powerful you become, and this takes absolutely no extra effort!
There's another thing you should remember. It's not enough just to stop being scared of people who threaten you. It is also essential not to get mad at them, either! If you get mad, things will get worse, and you may end up in a fight. So be perfectly calm. Tell yourself that people have every right in the world to try to scare you, and you are not going to take this right away from them. Since they're not doing anything wrong, you have no reason to be mad at them. With this attitude, you will discover that people like you and respect you, and that you have no enemies, no matter how small or weak you may be. In fact, if you have no fear and anger, they may even admire you and want to act as your protectors, especially if you are small and weak!
I would like to remind you of the warning I gave you at the beginning of Lesson Five, about bullies. Don't forget that even though most people will not try to hurt you, you have to be realistic. There are kids in the world who truly are dangerous. They do go around hurting others, and they aren't afraid of getting in trouble, either. With such people, your natural fear is a healthy thing. Be afraid of them, and stay far away from them. If you must be near them, make sure you have people around you who can protect you. Otherwise, just remember that the simple way to win is to refuse to be scared.
Lessions:
