I hope that 2003 has so far been a good year for you and your family. Unfortunately, February was ushered in by the tragedy of the Columbia space shuttle. We extend our deepest condolences to the families of the brave astronauts.
I welcome those of you who have recently joined the mailing list and hope you will find my not-so- conventional ideas about teasing, bullying and aggression refreshing.
THE
PROMOTION OF THE VICTIM MENTALITY - Part 2
The
last issue began explaining how society, in the attempt to
help victims of bullying, is unintentionally promoting a victim
mentality. This issue will continue that discussion.
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The Origin of the Taboo Against "Blaming Victims" in Modern Psychotherapy |
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 The taboo against "blaming the victim" has taken firm root in the psychotherapeutic world. This is what Michelle Bograd, PhD, writes about domestic violence in the March/April edition of Psychotherapy Networker:
"Most [psychotherapy] models emphasize the accountability of the abuser in order to be clear about the power dynamics at play and avoid the risk of blaming the victim in any way."
Notice the words, "avoid the risk of blaming the victim in any way." One of the basic principles of human dynamics is that a relationship is the product of the two people involved. Another principle is that to solve problems one must stop blaming others and take responsibility for oneself.
Despite these basic truths, psychotherapists are walking on eggshells, trying at all costs to aviod the danger of "blaming the victim." It doesn't matter that the victims' actions are unwittingly encouraging their abusers. And it doesn't matter that if you were to talk to the abuser, he would probably describe himself as the real victim. Since the person sitting before us is a "victim," we have to be really careful not to further hurt his feelings by holding him responsible for his role in the relationship. Amazing, isn't it? With such a mentality, how are psychotherapists ever going to help "victims" get better?
What is responsible for this development?
I believe that ultimately it is due to the efforts of the feminist movement, though I'm sure this was not the feminists' intention.
Once upon a time, it was common for victims of rape to be blamed in court for getting raped. It was believed that by acting or dressing sexy, or by the very act of going to a place like a bar or party, women provoked men to rape them. The rapists, therefore, were absolved of responsibility. The feminist movement successfully - and correctly! - fought this bias, and it is no longer legal to blame a rape victim for being raped. Women can now enjoy being sexy without worry that they will be held responsible for men's loss of sexual self-control.
This policy has slowly crept into all areas of behavior, with the result that it is never, ever considered proper to "blame the victim," even when the situation has nothing in common with innocent victims of rape.
To read the first installment of "The Promotion of the Victim Mentality," click here... »
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The Confusion of Law with Psychology |
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| There is a second development that has contributed to the "blameless victim" philosophy that has taken hold in psychology. That development is the intrusion of law into psychology. Psychology strives to have scientific objectivity. Psychologically, the idea that a person has nothing at all to do with what happens to him is nonsense, especially if the same thing keeps happening to him.
In law, the basic premise is different. The job of a court is to determine who is innocent and who is guilty,even though the judge is well aware that situations are rarely clear-cut. That is why judging is such difficult and serious business. Nevertheless, the judge or jury determine who is guilty and who is innocent.
Psychotherapists are not above the law. They must obey it just like everyone else even if they think the law is against the best interests of their clients. In other words, law takes precedence over science for practitioners of psychology.
Society continues to pass laws protecting victims and giving psychotherapists responsibility (and income) for identifying and helping victims of abuse. These psychotherapists are bound by the idea that the victim is innocent and the abuser is guilty, even though this is a legal model, not a psychological one. New books on abuse are constantly appearing. Look at the authors and you will notice that many of these books are written by psychotherapists with law degrees, or co- authored by a psychotherapist and a lawyer. Is it any wonder that the boundaries between psychology and law are becoming muddled?
The problem with the mixture of law and psychotherapy is that the very nature of these professions are diametrically opposed. The psychotherapist's goal is to get clients to take responsibility for their own problems. The lawyer's goal is reverse: to prove that someone else is to blame for their clients' problems. Since psychotherapy has adopted the legal model that holds that the victim is innocent, psychotherapy has become anti-therapeutic!
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The Solution to the Dilemma: Two Types of Victims |
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| What is the solution to this dilemma? How can we reconcile the legal principle that victims are innocent with the psychotherapeutic principle that one must take responsibility for his lot in life?
Very simply. By recognizing that there are two kinds of victims. In medicine, there two types of illness: 1)acute illness, and 2) chronic illness. An acute illness comes once and is gone. A chronic illness keeps coming back. The prognosis for an acute illness is better than a chronic illness because, having appeared only once, it has less chance of returning than a chronic one, which has proven itself to come again and again.
Similarly, you can be victimized once and it is over with. Or you can be victimized over and over again, which, of course, is much worse.
Anyone can be victimized once. If you are attacked by a thief or a rapist, or insulted for the way you look, you certainly can be innocent of any role in the attack against you. However, if you keep getting raped or robbed (assuming you don't live in a crime-infested neighborhood) or insulted over and over again, it is absurd to think that your behavior has nothing to do with the attacks against you. This doesn't mean you are "asking" to be attacked. On the contrary - you are trying very hard to make the attacks stop - but you can't see how your behavior is unintentionally encouraging your abusers to continue abusing you.
Most people who need psychotherapy are chronic victims. They keep getting abused by the same people, or by different people in similar situations, no matter how hard they are trying to make their abusers stop. In the legal sense, they are innocent. In the psychological sense they are responsible for what is happening to them, though they cannot be blamed for their abuse because they have no way of seeing how they are causing their problem. All they are trying to do is stop the abuse.
I propose, therefore, that we start talking about "acute victims" and "chronic victims." Acute victims can indeed be held psychologically free of responsibility for their victimization. All of us are occasionally victimized by someone looking to take advantage of someone. However, once a person is repeatedly victimized he becomes a "chronic victim" and should be treated differently. Our compassion for chronic victims shouldn't blind us to the fact that they play a role in being victimized. Otherwise it becomes impossible to provide them with the help they really need to stop being victimized.
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Dan Olweus, Crusader Against Bullies |
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Dan Olweus, a Norwegian psychologist and researcher, is the "Freud" of the modern anti-schoolyard-bullying movement. He was the first to become known for doing psychological research on bullying and is considered the ultimate authority in the subject. Unfortunately, his approach to reducing bullying promotes a victim mentality in society.
Olweus correctly explains how the victim's own actions unwittingly cause him to continue to be harassed. From this understanding, we would expect Olweus to reach the logical conclusion that kids need to be taught how not to fall victim to bullying. Instead, he decided that the solution is no less than changing the whole culture of the school so that teasing and bullying would not be tolerated. In his program, the staff, students, and parents all need to become vigilantes against bullies, preventing them from bothering anyone and disciplining them when our preventative efforts fail. In other words, if you are teased or bullied, don't worry about handling the problem by yourself. You are the good guy, and if you tell us that someone is bothering you, we won't tolerate it. We'll become knights in shining armor and rescue you from your evil bullies.
Why did Olweus decide to change society rather than change the individual victim with the problem?
I believe there are two reasons (and I may very well be wrong). The main one is that he didn't figure out a good, reliable way to teach kids not to be victims. Thus, the only option was to forbid anyone from being a bully.
The second reason (and I am less certain about this one) is that Olweus comes from Norway, a strongly socialistic country. In socialism the drives for personal power and wealth are considered evil. While all types of govenments sympathize with the downtrodden and provide for their welfare, sympathy for the underdog is the raison d'etre of socialism. Therefore, it could be that Olweus is expressing his cultural ideals and putting them ahead of pure psychology. I have no doubt that Olweus has nothing but the best intentions. Unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Because I haven't joined the crusade against bullies, many people think I have no sympathy for victimized kids. Nothing can be farther from the truth. I have been helping them for years, and my entire website is devoted to ending their suffering. But I do it only by helping the victims overcome their problems on their own, not by feeling sorry for them and fighting their bullies for them.
My manual for victims, "How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying," available free on the website, will help most kids understand why they are victimized and how to make their problem end without anyone else's help and without getting anyone in trouble. Even without the victim's involvement, adults can reduce teasing and bullying between kids by 70 to 80% simply by using the "magic responses" in my adults' manual, "A Revolutionary Manual for Handling Children's Aggression." And this is accopmplished not by intensifying staff efforts but by reducing them!
To read free manuals... »
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Movie recommendation: A Walk to Remember |
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| My ten year old daughter, Ayala, recently urged me to watch what she said was the best movie she ever saw. As usual, I tried to worm my way out of it because I feel I have better things to do than watch another teen film. And, as usual, I ended up watching because she has learned how to manipulate me better than any of my other family members.
When I actually sat down to watch "A Walk to Remember," I realized I need to give Ayala more credit for her taste. Ayala recognized that this movie is not only beautiful, it brings to life everything I am trying to teach. She knew this movie was made for me.
Virtually all movies dealing with bullies is of the "Revenge of the Nerds" type. Victims of bullies finally have their day by finding fantastic ways of getting even with their tormentors. While these movies are great fun, they are totally unrealistic, as any victim can tell you. The juicy revenge fantasies never materialize. If you were to actually try the kinds of things the victorious "nerds" do in this type of film, you would end up in deep trouble.
"A Walk to Remember," starring the teen singer Mandy Moore, is different. It is the story of a high school girl who turns a bully into a buddy by treating him with respect. See it. It is a real gem. And show it to everyone, kid and adult alike!
Two warnings, though. It is a tear-jerker, and the melodromatic ending is a bit too drawn out. But there are few movies that will give the right message about how to live as well as this one does.
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