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The
"Bully" Question -- A Trap! 
The US is now at war with Iraq. Let us hope that whatever happens, it turns out for the best for both countries and the world as a whole.
Many
of us are struggling with the question of whether or not the
US is doing the right thing. Perhaps the most difficult question
is whether the US is being a bully, something that has caused
many Americans to feel ashamed of their country. My first
concern in this month's newsletter is to address this vexing
issue, and to get my readers to realize that, whatever you
may base your opinions on, the "bully" question is an irrelevant
one.This
past year, I have been called "a bully" on several occasions.
Once was by the seller of a camera I purchased through eBay.
This seller was less than honest, and when I pressed her to
provide the merchandise in an timely and fair manner, she
called me "a bully." The other times I was called a bully
were by readers who were outraged that I would dare suggest
that victims should take responsibility for their lot in life.
Though I threatened no one, and my only concern was only to
teach people to stop suffering as victims, these individuals
called me a bully.
When called a bully, I found myself trapped, with no good way to respond. If I defend myself against charges of being a bully, I automatically lose because being in the defensive puts me in the weaker position. If I don't defend myself, then I am de facto admitting that I am, indeed, a bully. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
The US is in the same trap. It is being called a bully by people all over the world, and the US has no effective way to respond.
If it argues that it's not a bully, it puts itself in the losing, defensive position. If it doesn't defend itself, it seems to be admitting that it is a bully.
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"Might
Makes Wrong"
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Since the US is stronger than Iraq, the US is considered the bully and therefore automatically the bad guy. How has it happened that stronger side in a conflict deserves the title of the bad guy?
When we lived in the jungle, "Might made right." When we left nature and became civilized, we replaced the laws of the jungle with the laws of justice. Now, "Justice makes right."
Justice is supposed to be blind. A court's duty is to determine right and wrong regardless of which side is richer or more powerful. For those of you who like Biblical sources, the Bible commands judges not to give preference to the rich because of their power or to the poor out of pity. (Leviticus 19:15: "Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.")
But in recent years a new element has entered the scene to contaminate justice. That is the idea of the "bully." A bully is being defined today in scientific- sounding terms as the stronger side in a conflict were there's an "uneven power differential." This is based on the idea that it is not fair to use one's greater power against others. That makes one a bully, and bullies, of course, are evil.
In all of Nature, the drive for power over others is not only beneficial to living creatures, it is a biological necessity. Any creature that doesn't seek power is quickly devoured by other creatures that do. Even in human society, having power was not-too-long-ago considered a cause for pride. In our upside-down world, power has come to represent evil, and weakness a virtue. In other words, in our modern brilliance, we have replaced "Might makes right," with "Might makes wrong." Thus it is now possible for a weaker entity to take on a stronger one, and then win the world's moral support on the grounds of being the victim of a bully.
The idea that possessing greater power makes one the evil bully in a conflict is nonsense. Declaring the weaker side as automatically right is no less illogical and immoral as declaring the stronger side to be automatically right. If having greater power is automatically wrong, then anytime a policeman with a gun confronts a criminal armed only with a knife, the criminal would be in the right!
To read the previous newsletters... »
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Bad
Bully/Good Bully
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| People ask who made the US, that big bully, the policeman of the world. The question of whether the US is a good policeman or bad policeman seems irrelevant.
Every living system has a dominating body. Otherwise you have chaos and the system self-destructs. On a cellular level, the nucleus mandates the behavior of the rest of the cell's molecules. In our bodies, the nervous system controls the activity of the body's other cells. Every organization has a hierarchy in which those at the top have greater power and control the levels below. And this includes governments. Every level of government has policing functions by which certain individuals are given weapons to use against those who would break the law. There is nothing inherently evil about this. Without a successful policing function, criminals take over and we return to the lawlessness of the jungle. Our concern should not be whether it is good to have police; the concern should be whether the police are good or bad.
If you studied history and read current events, you would know that countries also fight for dominance over others. This is done in a number of ways: economic power; military force; culture and the media; religion; banding together in forums like the United Nations to attack other, more powerful nations. And there is always going to be some country that is the most powerful. This is not evil; it is just the nature of life. Being dominated by another country doesn't always turn out to be bad. Many populations have benefited greatly when powerful empires took them over and brought in better ways of doing things. Our concern should not be whether it is bad for one country to dominate another. Our concern should be whether the domination is a good one or a bad one.
Bullies often use their power to establish some kind of order (with themselves a the top, of course), while victims often use their power for vengeful destruction. Yes, there are good bullies in the world and evil victims. In many aspects of our lives, we are part of a system in which those in positions of higher power dictate our actions. As long as we have to have someone controlling us, we're better off with a good bully than a bad bully.
So please, when judging the US, don't use the "bully" issue as a reason for condemning it. Condemning the US as a bully is nothing more than a smokescreen obscuring reality. You may come to the conclusion that the US is wrong in it's war with Iraq, but you should base your decision on real issues, not the "bully" one.
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The
Golden "Law" |
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Why shouldn't we punish kids when they say mean things to each other?
This is a very difficult idea for many adults to accept. At my Anger Control Made Easy Seminars, I have increasingly been referring to the Golden Rule as the ultimate recipe for a happy and successful life. The Golden Rule, as you probably know, refers to, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," also known as, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," and "Whatever is distasteful to yourself, do not do to others." The purpose of the Golden Rule is to have us behave contrary to our natural instincts. The natural thing is to treat others the way they treat us. When people are nice to us, we are nice back. When they are mean to us, we are mean in return.
The Golden Rule tells us to treat others not the way they treat us, but the way we would like to be treated by them. The beauty behind this is that even if they start out being mean, they end up being nice to us if we respond to their meanness with kindness.
Another thing I teach at my seminars is to practice freedom of speech. We should not punish kids for saying mean things to each other, otherwise we make them hate each other more and the kid we punish ends up hating us, too. In the process, we actually encourage them to use bad language more often.
Some of my participants get upset with me because they think that the Golden Rule requires us to punish kids who don't treat others nicely. Since it is good to be nice, we should force them to be nice and punish those who aren't.
Though this seems to make sense, it is wrong. The Golden Rule is a "rule." It is not the "Golden Law." As soon we turn the Golden Rule into law, we violate the Golden Rule. Would you like to be punished whenever someone feels you weren't nice to them? Of course not! You would be furious, and rightfully so. Being nice is a personal decision. If we are forced to be nice, then being nice becomes meaningless. Only crimes should be punished, not meanness. Furthermore, niceness is a subjective evaluation. The same act may be considered mean by one person and nice by another.
The "political correctness" movement is the attempt to force people to live by the Golden Rule. But the very act of forcing people to practice the Golden Rule is contrary to the Golden Rule. And that is why the political correctness movement causes so many problems.
So how will our children ever learn to be nice if we don 't punish them for being mean? Not by preaching the Golden Rule to our children, but by practicing it with them. The saying, "Children learn from our actions, not from our words," is so true. If we treat our kids with niceness, they will learn to be nice in return. If we punish them whenever they are not nice, they will learn to punish others who aren't nice, and thus will never learn to practice the Golden Rule.
To read free manuals... »
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The
Sin of Judging
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While there is no official religion here in the United
States, the vast majority of Americans are Christians.
Though Christians worship Jesus, I am amazed at how few
actually adhere to the words of Jesus. Early in the New
Testament Jesus says, "Do not judge, or you too will be
judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will
be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured
to you." Matthew 7:1-2.
Despite this warning, people rush in to judge the disputes between their children, causing enmity between the kids and between the judging parent and the "guilty" child. And the whole country is on the anti- bully bandwagon. "Bully" is not an objective scientific diagnosis. When you call someone a bully, you have made yourself a judge, declaring him to be the guilty one and the other party to be the innocent one.
It is about time we all started following Jesus' sage advice against judging. Our society would be much better off.
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Movie
Recommendation: Harrison Bergeron
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| Chances are you never heard of this movie. I happened across it in my local Hollywood Video, which has a much larger selection than Blockbuster.
Harrison Bergeron is a unique, refreshing movie. It is based on a story by the great author, Kurt Vonnegut. The movie shows what the world may turn into if we continue on the path of making everyone equal. In this future world, technology is used for the goal of making everyone average. Above average people wear a head device that zaps them whenever they have an above- average thought. Students are encouraged to strive for "C" grades; anyone getting higher is reprimanded by the teacher.
Harrison Bergeron, the hero, is in the unfortunate position of being a genius who is impervious to the head-zapper. In this brave new world, he is a hopeless misfit.
My favorite scene is when he is dating a sweet girl who has the misfortune of being below Average in intelligence. Detecting a clever thought in his date's conversation, he pays her a compliment, "I don't think you're that stupid." She replies with a compliment of her own, "And I don't think you're that smart."
While this movie may seem far-fetched, I unfortunately see too much truth in it. When I began working as a school psychologist in New York City, schools had programs for gifted students. Though the cost of running these classes was only minimally higher than running a regular classroom, they have been phased out, with no replacement. Yet tons of money are showered on Special Education students, and the lower the potential of the child, the more money spent on him. There are students who have the terrible misfortune of being little more than vegetables, but they receive intensive, expensive therapies that have little or no chance of actually providing any benefit to them. And while the nation's - and the world's - future depends upon the brightest of our students, we give them no extra public support.
If we end up with a mediocre society, maybe it's because we've been asking for it.
Read Kurt Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron" online... »
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