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How
to Have a Productive Political Discussion 
It's often said that if you want someone to remain your
friend, don't discuss politics or religion. It's good
advice. The problem is that when the country is in a
critical situation, people naturally discuss politics more
often. Like with the situation in Iraq.
If
you observe people having a political discussion - and this
happens even in professional venues like radio and TV programs
- you will usually find people with opposing views getting
mad at each other, treating each other like enemies, and insulting
each other's intelligence. And nothing ever gets accomplished.
They each try frantically to prove that the other is wrong,
to no avail. Each side ends up having the same ideas they
began with.
This is a real shame, especially in a country that is founded
on free speech, the idea that every citizen is entitled to
have and express his political ideas without this turning
us into enemies. And it is especially tragic when differing
political views destroy the relationship between a married
couple.
It is important that people living in a democracy be informed
about the functioning of the government and form intelligent
opinions. The fact that the citizenry is free to hold a variety
of divergent political views makes the country stronger and
richer. But it's not good that citizens treat each other like
enemies because they hold different beliefs about how the
government should operate. This makes us all weaker.
I would therefore like to teach you how to have political
discussions and still remain good friends. These guidelines
are effortless. They only require a change in attitude.
1. Your partner in discussion is your friend.
Tell yourself that the only reason the other person is
telling you his opposing views, regardless how
outrageous or antagonistic they may be, is that he
loves you and cares about you. You may think that if
the country follows his policies, we will be headed for
ruin. From his point of view, if we follow your policy, we
will be headed for ruin. Who is to say that you are right
and he is wrong? He is as entitled to his opinion as you
are to yours. So instead of being mad at him for his
views, thank him for caring about you so much.
2. It doesn't matter who is right.
When we have a political discussion, we feel like the
future of the world depends upon the outcome. That's
why we argue so passionately that it seems we are
ready to kill each other.
Face it, we are not so important. The President is not
tuned in to or conversation. Neither is the Congress or
the Senate. The government's actions will not be
determined by the person who wins our debate. So
relax. Our political arguments serve no purpose other
than our own entertainment and enlightenment.
3. See the discussion as an opportunity to learn
The natural thing in a political discussion is to try to
prove to the other person that we are right and he is
wrong. And the harder we try to convince him, the
harder he tries to convince us.
This approach is a mistake. It only turns us into
enemies. We also end up having added absolutely
nothing to our knowledge because we were only
concerned with the views we already have.
The right thing to do is to see every discussion as an
opportunity to learn from the other person. Tell yourself
that all you care about is understanding the way the
other person sees the issue. Ask him questions to
clarify why he thinks the way he does, and even if you
find yourself disagreeing, don't fall into the trap of
trying to show him why he is wrong. He will just try
harder to prove he's right and you're wrong. Don't
worry - you don't have to end up agreeing with him if
you don't want to.
If your only concern is to learn the other person's point
of view, you know what will happen? He will like you
better and respect you more. And as an additional
bonus, he will start showing genuine interest in your
views because you showed genuine interest in his
views! He will want to learn from you because you were
interested in learning from him.
So the next time you face someone with a different
point of view, try this approach. You'll like it!
Send this page to a friend...
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Lowering the Bar on Violence |
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Many mental health organizations and experts have an
interest in maintaining the public's fear of the "epidemic
of children's violence." They continue to talk about this
epidemic despite the fact that government statistics
show there is no such epidemic. We have been
experiencing a steady decline in children's violence over
recent years, even taking into account the occasional
mass murder that gets plastered all over our
newspapers and TV screen for days at a time. Why do
these people and organizations promote this illusion?
Because their funding and their jobs depend upon the
idea that we are facing an epidemic of violence and we
need them to protect us.
Last week, I visited a cousin who lives in a small town,
Meadville, PA. I read the local newspaper and found the
following piece of news in the crime section: a twelve-
year-old boy pushed another student and called him a
name! Oh, my! Thank goodness our political leaders
have had the wisdom to criminalize these behaviors. Let
hope the little villain gets his due punishment.
I grew up in an era when the word "violence" implied
the spilling of blood or the breaking of bones. Today it
has come to mean anything someone does to you that
you don't like. I have heard kindergarten teachers
telling kids to line up "and don't touch each other." I
have seen teachers' anecdotals calling "putting hands
on another child" an act of violence. As long as we
keep lowering the bar for the definition of violence,
those of us who make our livings by combating violence
will be kept plenty busy fighting this terrible epidemic.
Let us stand strong in our determination to raise a
generation of unblemished emotional marshmallows.
To read the previous newsletters... »
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Book - Peacetalk 101 |
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"Peacetalk 101" is the title of a new book by the
brilliant linguist, Suzette Elgin Haden, author of the
classic, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense, and its
sequels. This short novel is a cleverly woven tapestry
that shows the transformation of a man who has
decided to end his life and the lives of his wife and
child. The rules he learns from a mysterious homeless
man are of universal value, and will improve your life if
you understand and use them.
The book should be of particular interest to readers
who appreciate a mystical view of life.
To read the first chapter of "Peacetalk 101" »
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Peacetalk 101 Rules |
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Suzette Elgin Haden is a modern day saint. She
graciously gives of her knowledge, and the wonderful
rules for good relationships through successful
communication are presented free in her website.
Dr. Haden explains her rules in depth, making them clear
and easy to use. I highly recommend you read them.
To learn the Peacetalk 101 Rules... »
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Movie - Bamboozled |
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I just saw "Bamboozled" (2001), a fascinating, powerful
film by Spike Lee. The protagonist, Pierre Delacroix, is a
Black TV writer who comes up with an idea for a hit
show: satirizing the demeaning way the white
entertainment establishment characterized Black people
in the early years of movies and television. While
different people will certainly relate to different aspects
of this complex film, what caught me was Pierre's
monologue about humor. It practically sounded like
something out of my seminars! He understands that
humor is about putting people down, and that healing
wounds of past discrimination can be accomplished by
making fun of the past rather than continuing to be
hypersensitive about it.
The TV show turns out to be a great hit. Tragically, the
show is too hard for many people to stomach. What is
meant to heal and entertain sickens and enrages
others, leading to the bloody demise of Delacroix and
many others. Humor may be the best medicine, but it
can also have deadly consequences when people aren't
ready for it.
I won't say that I like everything about this film,
but it is certainly worth seeing. If you like movies
that make you think, this one should not disappoint
you.
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