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Bullies 2 Buddies Newsletter )
 by Izzy Kalman, MS......Empowering Victims the World Over May 2004 
in this issue
  • Reaction to the Passion
  • The Folly of Protecting Feelings
  • Violence Versus Sex in Entertainment

  • I hope that you have been enjoying beautiful May weather and that all is well with you and your families.

    Reaction to the Passion

    I have not had as many lengthy, interesting, and erudite responses to any newsletter as to my last one dealing in depth with Mel Gibson's Passion. Whether they hate The Passion or love it, I guess people just love reading about it. And the really wonderful thing was that none of the letters, whether or not they agreed with me, were angry.

    I won't belabor The Passion, but one thing I want to point out is that Jesus refused to feel and act like a victim. Even while undergoing humiliating public torture and a slow, painful death, he refused to be angry at either the Jews who clamored for his death or the Romans who executed him. I'm sure he wanted his death to serve as the ultimate example of what it means to love your enemy. If Jesus could handle extreme torture and death without succumbing to anger or vengefulness, shouldn't the rest of us be able to tolerate insults without getting angry or vindictive? Shouldn't we be able to tolerate others having different beliefs without hating them and wishing them dead? How unfortunate it is that so many of us, including those who claim to be his followers, have still not learned his lesson of tolerance, and zealously promote intolerance of "bullies."

    Click here to read Izzy's previous piece about The Passion.

    The Folly of Protecting Feelings
    These days we're teaching kids that the "sticks and stones slogan is a lie." They are being taught instead that "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words hurt my feelings, and that is even worse." Unfortunately, this nonsense has pervaded government policy as well, with horrific results.

    It is easy to find fault with the way the current administration has handled Iraq, but one thing we can be extremely grateful for: we live in a democracy. The public hearings on 9-11 showed democracy in action. The presidential administration is not above reproach and can be called to task in front of the entire nation. You will never see that happening in a dictatorship.

    The 9-11 hearings revealed many failures within the government that ultimately made 9-11 possible. One of these was that the intelligence agencies avoided profiling Muslims in order not to be accused of insensitivity to minority groups. In other words, to prevent hurting people's feelings, it was preferable to allow thousands of people to die. And in the end it brought even more shame to Muslims because of their association with the terrorists.

    The intentions of not hurting people's feelings are understandable, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. For an action to be moral, it needs to conform to the Golden Rule - treating others as you would want to be treated. Protecting people's feelings at all costs, while sounding like a noble goal, is contrary to the Golden Rule and therefore immoral.

    Of course you don't want your feelings to be hurt. But would you prefer to risk lives (and possibly your own among them) in order to spare injury to your feelings?

    I am a Jew and lately I fly a lot. If Jewish terrorists were planning attacks, would I want my government to forbid profiling Jews at airports in order to protect my feelings? Of course not! I would hope that armies of agents would be sent to all Jewish houses, businesses, and places of worship. I would want them to continue investigating Jews until every last terrorist was caught. If a terrorist attack were to succeed because the government avoided profiling Jews I would be furious. And in the end my feelings would be even more hurt because of the disgrace the terrorist attack would have brought to my group.

    Profiling in emergency situations does not have to be done degradingly. Investigators could politely say, "We respect Jews and regret having to do this, but we need to check you because a group of Jewish terrorists is planning attacks against the United States." Only if the government truly lacked respect for Jews' intelligence would they expect us not to understand.

    (Please don't accuse me of condoning ethnic profiling for routine offenses. This article applies only to extremely serious situations like terrorist plots in which conspirators of a specific nationality are known to be planning attacks.)

    Click here to read previous newsletters. »

    Violence Versus Sex in Entertainment
    At my new seminar, Bullying and Sibling Rivalry, I have been distributing an anonymous survey form to assess participants' attitudes and experiences. One of the items is, "After watching an erotic movie, I feel an urge to have sex." Another is "After watching a violent movie, I feel an urge to injure or kill people."

    Of the 434 people who have so far completed the survey, 214, or 49%, answered "yes" to the first item, that they have an urge to have sex after watching an erotic movie. In contrast, only 5 people, or 1%, answered "yes" to feeling an urge to injure or kill someone after watching a violent movie.

    I submit this as another piece of evidence against the armies of researchers trying to prove that violent entertainment causes violence in real life. If it did, we could expect that more than 5 out of 434 participants would feel an urge to become violent after watching violent entertainment. After all, about half are aware of the urge for sex after watching sex. Why aren't they similarly stimulated after watching violence?

    There is a very simple explanation. Sex is a positive biological urge. Mother Nature wants us to have sex to perpetuate the species, and that is why she made sex feel so good. Violence, on the other hand, is a negative biological need. Mother Nature wants us to avoid violence because it causes injury and death, and that is why she made violence painful - so we would avoid it unless absolutely necessary. And if you're not sure about this, ask yourself "Do I feel any urge to hurt people after watching violent entertainment." (If your answer is yes, you should consider making an appointment right away with a good therapist.)

    The truth is that watching sex is actually more dangerous for society than watching violence. Watching sex makes us really WANT to have sex while watching violence does not make us want to become violent. After watching an erotic film, you either find yourself a partner or masturbate. Watching sex leads to unwanted pregnancies, lost virginities, sexually transmitted diseases, and rape (and to baldness, acne, blindness, and imbecility for masturbators.) And that is why explicit sex is X rated while explicit violence is, at most, rated R.

    A seminar participant cited the work of an army psychologist, a Dr. Dave Grossman, as proof that violent entertainment causes violence in real life. I am familiar with his work and thesis from a documentary film called The Virus of Violence that featured Dr. Grossman. His research showed that soldiers who were practicing on shooting simulators similar to video games were more likely to accurately shoot enemies than those who weren't using such simulators. However, Dr. Grossman himself was able to claim no more than this: people who have a reason to kill others and have access to firearms are more likely to successfully kill others if they use such simulators. A person without a powerful reason to kill, according to this very same film, will not try to shoot someone just because they played a violent video game.

    In other words, if your children: 1) have a strong desire to kill; and 2) have access to firearms; then 3) please don't let them play sharpshooter video games.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Izzy Kalman

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