What is this problem? We are trying to create an "Emotional Welfare State." (I wish I could claim credit for originating this term. Though I don't recall ever hearing it before, an Internet search revealed its use by Erin O'connor, who runs a website, Critical Mass. I found his article fascinating and I recommend it to you, too. You can find a link at the end of this section.)

The more affluent a nation becomes, the more rights it is able to give its citizens. We spread the wealth around so that the population can increasingly enjoy the benefits of the affluence. Thus, we have a right to a free public education, basic housing, and living expenses. No one in the modern world need die of starvation or exposure to the elements. If you are poor but know how to read and follow instructions, you can easily access government services that will provide you with food, housing, education and medical care. All these things are possible because the nation is productive enough to provide them.

Now that we have done a decent job of creating a Financial Welfare State, the next step in our societal evolution is the "Emotional Welfare State" in which everyone is guaranteed happiness and protection from anything that can make them feel bad.

While such a right may sound wonderful, it is impossible to guarantee. A right is a law. It is an entitlement backed up by society. We can throw around the word "rights" in an abstract way, but ultimately a right does not exist unless it is backed by the government. While a government may have the ability to provide universal health care, it cannot provide universal health, only the procedures that attempt to make people healthy. And while a government may attempt to provide happiness, it cannot do it. The only person who can make you happy is you, yourself. The only one who can make others treat you well is you, yourself. The Declaration of Independence gives you a right to the PURSUIT of happiness. It cannot provide you with happiness itself - only the right to try to become happy.

The Emotional Welfare State thinking results in the principle that "If I don't know how to get you to treat me well, it is YOUR problem; you are a 'bully' and you need to change or you will be punished." It is based on the idea that individuals cannot be expected to be responsible for their own feelings.

A Financial Welfare State distributes the wealth, but it doesn't make people happy. The Financial Welfare State says that if you don't know how to make a living, we will give you the money you need to survive. Many people, faced with such a choice, will opt for taking the easy money rather than go out and work to make a living. However, this doesn't lead to happiness of those receiving the Welfare. They still live at a subsistence level and are deprived of the satisfaction of supporting themselves by their own efforts. Rather than appreciating the money they are given, they only develop bitterness over the fact that their level of material lives is so low in comparison with those who are working.

"Resilience" has been a major topic in psychology in recent years. The Emotional Welfare State is trying to figure out how to raise children to be able to deal with the hardships of life. And how is the Emotional Welfare State trying to accomplish this? By protecting children from any experiences that might make them feel bad. However, it is impossible to become resilient if you don't learn how to handle difficulty on your own. Rights, rather than promoting resilience, are the antithesis of resilience. Rights remove the need to become resilient in the first place.

The school anti-bully programs in essence give victims a similar choice. We tell them "You have a right not to be bullied. We will try to teach you how to do handle bullies, but if you are not able to, don't worry. It is not your fault, and we will make your bullies change. We will send them to counseling or expel them from school if they don't stop bothering you." Given such a choice, few kids will want to make the effort to solve their own problems. They will let the us handle their bullies for them. Thus, kids are unwittingly being encouraged NOT to become resilient and learn social skills.

At a couple of recent bullying seminars, I asked the audience, "Who believes children should have the right to go to school without being bullied?" Virtually every hand went up. Meanwhile, these same people are bullied by their spouses, children, parents, etc., and they don't know how to make it stop. And without realizing it, they are also bullying their spouses, children, parents, etc. If we don't know how to make the bullying stop in our own lives - and we are mental health professionals, who are supposed to be the experts at solving human problems - how do we expect to make kids free of bullying?

It is impossible to guarantee a right not to be bullied! As long as you are going to live with people, the things we define as "bullying" are going to happen. The only one who has any possibility of making the bullying stop is you.

Our laws against bullying turn us into bullies ourselves. Call someone a bully, and you have the right to insult them, shame them, isolate them, and destroy their futures.

I am increasingly getting complaints that if my techniques are used, it could lead to lawsuits by parents who are angry that their schools failed to stop their kids from being bullid - even though the demonstrations show unequivocally that my techniques actually REDUCE the likelihood that parents will become angry, while making the children more resilient and happy. Yes, we have painted ourselves into a corner. We have eagerly fought for laws guaranteeing kids the right not to be bullied, and many of us are the ones charged with providing these rights. Ironically, we then have to worry about being sued when these impossible rights are violated. As mental health professionals, we are becoming more concerned with avoiding lawsuits than in promoting the mental health of those we are paid to help.

Read Erin O'connor on the Emotional Welfare State

	Racism and Freedom of Speech
I am a strong proponent of Freedom of Speech, and demonstrate repeatedly at my seminars through role- playing that the true practice of Freedom of Speech is the solution to bullying. It even works with racial, religious, gender, and sexual-orientation harassment. I have volunteers come up and play a bigot. When I try to stop them from expressing themselves, they continue to insult me and my group, and have no respect for me or my group. When I let them say what they want and treat them with respect, they inevitably stop insulting me and my group, and come away with more respect for me and my group. Despite the obvious positive results of these demonstrations, some participants are so locked into thinking that no one should be permitted to insult anyone's background that they continue to insist that Freedom of Speech should not be permitted for such expression. One participant wrote that forbidding racial free speech has led to "civility" among the races. These people don't realize that all it has led to is "civility." It has not led to meaningful relationships and friendships between the races. The races still, for the most part, stick to their own kind. And there is a good explanation for this. If I have to be so worried about hurting your feelings that I can be sued for saying something you might find offensive, I would rather stay away from you. I will be pleasant to you, but I'll stick to my own kind, where I don't have to worry about being sued for offending you. Because of this fear of being prosecuted for hurting each others feelings, it prevents us from eradicating our stereotypes. Destroying stereotypes requires us to get to know each other as human beings. By avoiding each other, we continue with our stereotypes. We keep them locked up inside, but they don't go away. And we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to get to know each other as fellow human beings. On a few occasions, people - all from Hispanic countries - said to me following my presentations, that they were so happy to hear my views. They said things like, "Here in the United States, we can't make fun of anyone. Where I come from, everybody makes fun of each other, and if you are in a social situation and nobody insults you, you feel neglected." One psychologist approached me after a seminar and said he lived half of his life in Hawaii. Hawaii, he told me, has the greatest racial mix of all fifty States, but it also has the highest percentage of interracial births. In Hawaii, he told me, all the races make fun of each other. They don't go for this "political correctness" business. They can laugh at each other, and this breaks down racial barriers, bringing people closer to each other. The subject of racism has always concerned me, and in recent months, I have been contemplating tackling it - a rather daunting task. I have been a bit reluctant to do so because it is has become such a sensitive subject that I may be setting myself up for hateful attacks. Anyway, I have decided to take on this mission. To keep myself relatively safe, I will do it by advising my own group, the Jews, rather than tell other groups what they should do. In my forthcoming newsletters, I will be presenting my approach to ending discrimination, not by curtailing Freedom of Speech, but by correctly employing it. By the way, a horrific incident occurred this week. A hunter of Asian decent killed five of his fellow hunters. He said in his defense that he was racially insulted. I'm sure that those who fight for limiting freedom of speech will capitalize on this as proof how destructive racial insults are. It is easy to forget that the insults did not do the killing. People who don't know how to tolerate insults did the killing. And rather than teaching people how to tolerate insults without getting upset, we are teaching them that they SHOULD get upset by insults; that words kill and insults should not be tolerated - particularly insults about people's group affiliation. We are thereby unwittingly increasing the likelihood that people will want to kill when they are insulted. Best wishes, Izzy Kalman Click here to read previous newsletters. »

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